Single Mom Out Loud

The joys (and desperation) of raising a boy without a man

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Real Men and Why I Can’t Resist Them

The other night a friend and I were talking about boys and men and how to spot one from another. Being able to differentiate the two is an art acquired after years of dating. With age and experience, comes certain abilities and wisdom, and being able to spot a real man in an ocean of guys is definitely a good skill to have. It will save you a lot headache and heartache and it will even save you from horrible sex.

Real men are awesome. I am not talking about guys who aren’t done being boys yet, or guys who think being a man is being an asshole. I am talking about real men. The ones who have lived enough to know exactly what it means to be one, the guys who are done growing up and are comfortable in their own skin. I love those men.

I love how they dress, how they stand and how they move. I love how they kiss and how they hug. I love how they discuss politics, grill a nice steak and are obsessed with their single malt. I love how they take their team seriously and how they genuinely hurt when they lose. I love rough hands but gentle touches. And I am absolute sucker for neck kisses and that passionate grab that makes your legs tremble.

I love how confident they are and how confident they make you feel. There is nothing sexier than a man who owns his body as well as his mind. He owns his triumphs as well as his mistakes. He doesn’t make excuses for his shortcomings and he takes responsibilities for his bad choices. He is just all around confident in who he is and who he used to be, even if that means accepting that he wasn’t all that great at some point. Real men learn and they are eager to share their lessons with you.

I love how they take control. How they open the car door and carry my groceries. I love how they can surprise me by paying the bill on their way to the restroom because they know I would insist in splitting. I love how they can pick me up and put me against the wall with so much intensity but yet so much gentleness. Maybe it’s a reminder that he is bigger than me or maybe it’s a power thing. Whatever it is, its sexy.

I love how they initiate sex in the middle of the night. Real men know how to do it right. They do it slowly but hard. I love the way a man who knows what he’s doing carefully rearranges and positions my body for me. The fact that he’s guiding the situation, softly but firmly in control, means that I can just enjoy the ride. Yes, please. Once, twice and three times on weekends.

I love how they can do things. They know how to change a tire and the oil. They know how to fix my bike last minute because I forgot to check it before that well planned bike ride. I love how they can cook better than me but pretends mine is better. Real men just know shit. Period. But they are not pretentious for knowing. They are modest. They are humble. They are simple. They might be the best at his career/job but they don’t act like it. Real men are never douchey.

I love how solid they are when I am freaking out. I have gotten way better at controlling my emotions and acting rational. I think overcoming my initial reaction to lose my shit has been one of my biggest accomplishments in the last decade. But I am still me and I am still a Brazilian Woman with Latin blood, and sometimes I still lose it. And when I am losing it I don’t need a guy to lose it with me or to try to fix me. I don’t need to be told to calm down (that’s never a good idea) and I definitely don’t need to be preached on my behavior. I just need to be heard and to be guided. And a man that can guide me, has me. Real men know how to handle a woman having a meltdown. They understand women and they know how to take control of the situation, to calm it down and to guide his woman back to sanity. They are sexy in their firmness during the storm. They are not intimidated by my freakout, they are actually somewhat (and respectably) entertained by it.

But the ONE thing I cannot ever resist is a man who likes children and who loves being in a family environment. There is nothing hotter than a man who enjoys playing with children and who does it genuinely and not just to get your attention. And trust me, we women know the difference. It’s extremely sexy, It’s a turn-on. I literally feel my private parts tingling. It doesn’t make me want to have babies with them, but it definitely makes me want to practice making them.

In general real grown up men are just amazing. When I am in their presence, my entire being gives in. I become less defensive, more gracious, smarter and gentler. I am expressive without being reactive. I am a better version of me without being perfect.

I feel like a woman. With a man. And that’s just irresistible.

amorous Couple on grey background

amorous Couple on grey background


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The Next Generation of Entitled Kings

When we have a child we tend to be very aware of our surroundings. I personally, tend to focus on kids everywhere I go, and I tend to observe a lot of other parenting styles. Its involuntary. It just happens. Its impossible not to observe the way some parents are raising their children these days and its even more impossible not to judge some of them. And don’t even try to tell me that there is no right or wrong parenting. Because there is. And its pretty simple. It comes down to one basic concept: Don’t raise an asshole. Apparently this is very hard for a lot of people, because in the last 16 months I have noticed something quite depressing if you ask me: the raising of a generation of self centered kings.

Let’s go back to a few days ago, to a hotter than usual February Saturday when I decided to go kayaking with Kaio. When we got to the marina there were three mothers in their mid thirties with their babies. They were all waiting outside the marina restaurant in the patio/play area. When they saw that I was renting a kayak and putting Kaio’s life vest on the conversation went something like this:

“Oh wow is your baby going kayaking with you?”

“Yes. We do this all the time. Weather is perfect.”

“Aren’t you afraid he can fall over or something?”

“Not really. He is wearing a vest and its a marina. Its calm.”

“Won’t he get tired and hungry?”

“It’s inly a couple hours. He will be fine.”

“That’s crazy. I could never do that. If my prince ever hurts himself I will die. Plus he can get a sunburn or get hungry. My son is my world. My little king.”

At that point I just smiled. I figured it would take too much energy to explain to those women how they are actually damaging their little highness.

But I couldn’t help but ask myself: What are the chances that little king will grow up and find a woman that will idolize him and fulfill his every need the way his mommy does? And what are the chances that little king won’t grow up to be at the very least, narcissistic?

Women are constantly complaining about men’s selfishness but they refuse to change the way they raise their sons. They raise these boys thinking they are princes and mini kings whose existence is the reason the world goes round, and they complain that these same boys are failing to become caring and nurturing men.

And this is not only a boy problem. Girls are being raised just as bad; As shallow princesses of imaginary castles waiting for one of those kings to marry and spoil her. Just like mommy and daddy.

We are living in an era where kids are more spoiled than ever. They are more entitled than ever. And they are more out of control than ever. I always hear moms complaining that their bundle of joy are dictating their lives and how they don’t feel like themselves anymore. But none seem to understand that kids are just a reflection of them as parents.

Kids are being assholes, because parents are being enablers.

It would take me the whole eternity to write down all the times I have seen mothers idolizing their children. Treating them like royalty with total discard for the world around them. Raising them with the best toys, the most expensive brand clothes and teaching them that they are entitled to the best of the best. Always. No need to earn anything. And spoiling them is just one fraction of the problem in my opinion. The bigger issue lies on the lack of discipline and limit most of these kids have. They are calling the shots at home and in public. They choose what they want to eat, when they want to eat and where they want to eat. They kick, they yell, they misbehave and disrespect everyone. Parents have become the ones following orders from these under developed mini dictators; sometimes even walking on eggs so it doesn’t set off a shit storm of tantrums. It’s frightening that this is the next generation of men and women.

I am not saying we shouldn’t treat our children with love and tell them how important they are. Kaio is definitely the most important person in my life. No doubt. He is the reason I wake up every day and decide to be a better person than yesterday. No doubt either. But he is not by any means the epicenter of my life or the world. I am still me. I still have a career, friends, and school. Kaio is the most important part of my life, but he is NOT my life. And he needs to learn that. He needs to show respect towards me and others at all times. He is not entitled to the best of the best nor he is entitled to act however he pleases. Kaio is not King. Nor prince. He is just a boy. A beautiful boy extremely loved by his family. But nonetheless, he is just a boy. A flawed human being like every other, with no crown to carry and whose life does NOT trump the life of others. And that is one of the most noble and valuable thing he can accept about himself.

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Single Motherhood And The Drama of Having a Gifted Child

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while but I’ve been so busy with work and moving that I kept forgetting, so here it is.

I am constantly hearing from my mommy friends about how stressed they are because their kid are picky eaters, or are spoiled, or are mean to other kids. I have heard every complain one can hear about kids. And every time I hear mothers talk about how they feel their lives are over because they have a child or how they don’t feel like themselves anymore, I silently thank the universe I am not one of them.

People are constantly asking me how it is to be a single mother, and I think they are always surprised with my answer. To start, I don’t feel in ANY way that my life is over or that I am not myself anymore. Quite the contrary; I feel like my life is just starting and that I am finally starting to figure out who I really am. And that’s thanks to Kaio and his presence in my life.

Kaio is just all around awesome. I know most mothers are blindly in love with their bundle of joy that they fail to see what spoiled punks most of them really are. But I promise you I am not one of those mothers. I am harder on Kaio than I am on anyone else, but that’s because I want him to be the best version of himself. I love that kid to death and I refuse to become one of those mothers who enable their kids bad behavior. I congratulate him when he is great and I discipline him when he is bad. I am raising a man, not an entitled self absorbent being.

Every person who has met Kaio says the same thing about him and these people don’t even know each other. They all mention two things about Kaio: the way he stares at you as if he is looking into your soul and his soul itself. Now, I am not a christian or a spiritual being in any way so I can’t really tell you what they mean. As much as I try to read books on spirituality, meditate and sing kumbaya, this whole new age thing is not for me. I prefer world affairs and science. I like debating both to a fault. But everyone of my friends who do enjoy the whole soul enlightenment idea, they all say that Kaio has an “old soul”. That he is enlightened and evolved. Whatever that means.

What I do know is that he is bright. Extremely bright. Kaio said his first word (mamma) by 5 months, he started crawling at 6 months, and started walking at 9. His development hasn’t slowed down a bit. At 12 months he learned to ride his scooter and now at 15 months, he can tell the difference between all 10 numbers and primary colors. He has an ear for music applauded by one of my good friends who is a drummer, and he absolutely hates baby talk. In fact, he prefers adults over kids any time of the day. And this is just his professional resume.

He is so much more than that.

Kaio is sweet and extremely happy. He smiles more in one day than I probably have in my entire life and there are very few things in this world that will bother him. The kid is just all around chill. I have no idea where he got this personality from but I am glad he has it.

I am not trying to say he doesn’t have his moments. We all do. He will have grumpy days in which not even chocolate cookies will please him. He will have temper tantrums in which may look like the world is coming down upon humanity. And he will even have days in which he will spend hours just giving me the silent treatment, refusing to say a word no matter what the emergency. But those grumpy days, temper tantrums and silent treatments are rare for him. They are so rare I even enjoy them. As crazy as it may sound, its a breath of fresh air. Because honestly, sometimes the pressure of having a nearly perfect child gets to me. I am not even close to being the perfect mother, and the fear of potentially ruining him with my flaws is too much for me to handle sometimes. I call it “the drama of having a gifted child”. And I hope I don’t sound ungrateful by calling it that.

That’s Kaio. Sweet. Loving. Well centered. Mature. And extremely smart. He does in fact make my life so much greater and exciting. Yes, sometimes its hard and most of the times its also exhausting, but neither of those two things are bad necessarily. Every success story you hear involves hard work and sleep deprivation. No one has accomplished anything spectacular by drinking all night and sleeping in until noon. And that’s how I look at my situation as a single mother. I might not be solving cancer or fighting for world peace, but I am contributing to the world in a different way: by raising the best human I can possibly raise. And that’s a whole lot more than a lot of people can say.

No doubt things changed, but for the better. I still have a life and I am still myself, I just modified it a little to fit him in it. Instead of spending every weekend doing something crazy, I now take only one weekend out of the month to do that while Kaio stays with my mom. Either be Vegas or San Diego or whatever. Instead of going out every night, I now only go out 2-3 times a week after he is already asleep (to avoid taking his time with me away from him). Instead of spending every Sunday at a bar with friends, I spend it with him (and friends) exploring new museums or new hikes, which is much healthier anyways. In fact, Kaio is only 15 months and he has visited every museum in LA, including LACMA, MOCA, Getty, Natural History and the California Science Center. He has definitely enriched my life culturally, because I probably wouldn’t have gone so frequently if it wasn’t for him.

So this my new and improved life. The thrill of getting drunk every night was replaced with the joy of seeing him change. The excitement of being 100% free was replaced with the fulfillment of teaching him new things, cool tricks and the world in general. Children see the world through the eyes of their caregivers, so my hope is for Kaio to see the best the world has to offer. A friend’s father once told me: “Life offers a man no greater satisfaction than the raising of the next generation”. I think the same applies to women. Its fun. Its a gift. Its a privilege. And it’s inexplicably satisfying if you are brave enough to stick around and do it.

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22 Things Single Mothers Should Teach Their Sons

Being a single mother is a tough job. You constantly go back and forth between acting like a mom and dad. Playing two roles is an even harder task when it involves a boy. We are not men so it’s hard to teach our boys how to be one. Many of us wonder which important lessons we should be focusing on, and which ones we should let them learn on their own. Below are 22 things I think every single mother of boys should teach their sons.

1. To be a kind
This is the second most important lesson you can teach your son. Its not your job to toughen him up. That’s the world’s job and I promise, it will do a good job at it. Teach him to be kind. Kind to people. Kind to animals. Kind to himself. And kind to you. But most importantly teach him to be kind to those weaker than him. Kindness is a strong man’s virtue.
2. To always be a gentleman
In today’s world sometimes acting like a gentleman can be looked upon as sexist. Its not. Start by teaching him to open the car door for you. To hold the elevator. To carry the groceries. Teach him to pick up the check if he can afford it. To buy flowers. To walk a girl on the inside of the street. To give her his coat if she is cold. To get the car while she waits if she is in heals. Being a gentleman NEVER goes out of style.
3. To be selective with his sexual partners
This is probably the hardest lesson to teach a boy these days. Boys are expected to have as much sex and with as many women as they can. Teach your son to be selective. To value his body and his time.
4. To play a sport
Every boy needs to play sports. They need to burn off that energy and they need to learn to compete. Make him pick a sport he enjoys and teach him to focus and better himself.
5. Discipline and self accountability
Teach him discipline and self accountability. To wake up on time. Go to bed on time. Turn his homework on time. Don’t enable his bad behaviors. Don’t let him get away when he does something wrong. Teach him that there are consequences to his actions. Punish him when necessary. There is a difference between raising a man and raising a delinquent.
6. How to throw a punch
Being gentle is a virtue but knowing to defend yourself and others around you is an even better quality. Teach him that there are only three circumstances in life in which he can and SHOULD throw a punch: To defend himself. To defend his lady. And to defend those being physically attacked by bullies, racists and homophobes.
7. To be none of the above
Teach your son from an early age that bullying, homophobia and racism is unacceptable and he will grow up believing it. There is nothing more manly than a man who defends those oppressed by society.
8. When to walk way
As important as it is for him to learn to defend himself, its also important he learns when to walk away from an argument or situation. Either be with you, his wife, his boss or a stranger. Knowing the difference between standing up and walking away is wisdom.
9. How to tie a tie and tie a knot
Both are essential skills. And while you are at it, also teach him to iron his shirts.
10. How to change a tire
If you don’t know how find a friend who does. Teach your son the importance of knowing how to change a tire. One day it might go flat when he is driving that special girl home.
11. How to cook
Cooking is an art. Teach him to be an artist and to never depend on others for his meals.
12. To apologize
He can’t always be right and he needs to learn to apologize when he is wrong. The world is not a kind place to those who are arrogant enough to think they don’t make mistakes.
13. How to drive a stick
Every man needs to learn to drive a stick. Maybe he will always buy automatic cars or maybe he will be into manuals. Either way, teach him to drive both. For both emergencies and self pride.
14. To lose with dignity and win with humility
Sometimes he will win and other times he will lose. Teach him to lose with dignity. Without excuses. Without pity. And to win with humility. No cheating. No making fun of those who lost.
15. To be strong
Its okay to cry. Its okay to feel pain. But every boy needs to learn how to be strong from early age. Teach him to be tough and brave. Teach him to pull his own bandages. To fall and get up without crying. Pain is weakness leaving the body so teach him to endure physical pain with strength. And be there for him when emotional pain brings him to his knees.
16. To drink responsibly
Almost every person drinks alcohol. When he is old enough, teach him the art of alcohol as well as the dangers of it. If you teach him this, the police won’t have to.
17. To never hit a woman
Violence is never okay. A woman should never hit a man and a man should never hit a woman. But teach your son that if he is ever hit by a woman it’s NEVER okay to hit back. Teach him to walk away. Teach him to restrain her kindly. But teach him that he is never allowed to hit her. He is a man. And being a man comes with advantages as well as responsibilities. Never hitting a lady is one of those responsibilities. There is no exception to this rule.
18. To tip
It’s important to learn to appreciate the service others provide us. Teach your son to always tip. And to tip generously. If he can’t afford to tip he shouldn’t be going out.
19. To choose his shoes wisely
Nothing says more about a man than the shoes he wears.
20. How to fix things
Every man should know how to fix things around the house. Teach him how to change the light bulb, to hang frames, to put together furniture, to unclog the drain. Once he learns how to do them, let him do it for you.
21. To dress with class
Teach him to coordinate pants, shirts, jackets, ties, belts, socks, etc., Its important to let him create his own fashion and be his own person but it’s just as important to teach him to dress appropriately to the occasion.
22. To be an exceptional father
This is the most important lesson you can ever teach your son as a single mother. Maybe your son has a good relationship with his father or maybe he has never met him. Either way, teach your son to be an exceptional father. Teach him the responsibilities of fatherhood and that its never EVER okay to abandon his children. The value of a man is not measured by his muscles or paycheck. Its measured by how he cares for his children. Make sure he learns this.

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