I spent the whole night thinking about this entry. I kept going back and forth in my mind on which topic I should write about for my first bog entry. I wanted something funny. I wanted something uplifting and somewhat cool. But something kept telling me to write something real. I could see sit here and write about a great time I had in Colorado last week, the time I had my vibrator confiscated by TSA for being a potential weapon (true story), or I could even write about my friend’s tampax birth (you heard that right and I promise this story will be coming soon). But I realized none of these funny stories would actually tell the story of my life and how I got here in the first place. I had to start from the beginning.
For starters, I never dreamed of being a single mom. As feminist as I am, I am a firm believer that children will always do better in a two-parent home and that boys need a daily father not a distant relative to visit every few months. I never dreamed of raising a child on my own, let alone a boy. And I definitely never dreamed that if I had to, I would actually be good at it. When you spend years of your life being told negative things about yourself, you start to believe it. For years I thought I would never succeed in a career, that I would never be able to hold a job or friends or a relationship and that I would “fuck my son up”. For years I believed I was crazy, inadequate and unlovable and therefore I was doomed to be a bad mother too. Turns out I am none of those things. I can succeed in my career (very well for that matter), I have tons of friends (many whom I have known for more than 10 years) and my son is a happy and healthy child. Those who know Kaio, know how absolutely brilliant and beyond his age he is. I don’t mean to sound cocky, but I do like taking partial credit for the amazing child he is.
Kaio’s dad or, as I like to call him, Mr. Big, is not around. He hasn’t been around from the moment I told him I was pregnant. You might be asking why I am referring to him as Mr. Big and it’s not because he is some wealthy big shot like Sex and the city’s Mr Big. That couldn’t be farther from reality actually. But because at some point he was a big love and because he is just all around big; like my son. Big hands, big feet, big dreams and an even bigger ego. Unfortunately.
Mr. Big and I dated on and off for 3 years before I got pregnant. Things were never perfect. Quite the opposite. It was chaotic. But always passionate. Some people say that we are so alike that that’s why we never worked out. In Brazil we say: Two biters don’t kiss. And its true. But I think the reasons that ultimately made me a single mother are lot more complicated than a Brazilian saying can explain. I don’t want to get into details of our relationship or how he ended up completely bailing on my child because that’s not what this blog is about. I am simply here to share my story, my struggles and the laughs that is my new life as a single mom. I know I am not the only single mother out there so I am sure many can relate. Its scary, its challenging but it’s also so rewarding and fun. People constantly ask me if I could go back in time if I would have an abortion and my answer is always the same: No Fucking way. Kaio is the most amazing human I have met and its kind of cool that I made him. He makes my days a lot more fun. I constantly catch myself laughing when I see him do something dumb like trying to put his left shoe on his right feet or trying to fit under the couch, and getting angry because he can’t. And there is nothing more soothing than drinking a glass of wine in the end of the day, watching some TV while hearing his giggles in the background. I swear his giggles heal.
So lately I came to the conclusion that although it wasn’t something I dreamed of, my new life as a single mom is quite interesting. There are diapers, laughs, poop eating, horrible dates, great commitment free sex, lots of temper tantrums and a lot more wine. Kaio came to teach me that maybe our future is something that happens when we steer off the course we had drawn for ourselves.