Single Mom Out Loud

The joys (and desperation) of raising a boy without a man

An Open Letter To Him 

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 Dear SexMate,

I wish you would see what I see. 

I know its hard to see our lives and actions through the lens of those around us but please try. 

For the last 2 years I have seen you search for love in the arms of every stranger you ever felt infactuated with. 

As a friend, and as someone who has experienced heaven and hell with you, I have seen them come and go and I have watched from afar you try so desperately to find the loyal love we are both looking for. 

And it hurts. 

Because I see myself in you. 

I see the same mistakes. The same hope. The same pains. We are like a mirror reflecting back to each other the exact things we need to change.

I don’t know what that means. But I am pretty sure it means something.

I have seen each and every woman you have picked, each and every woman you have developed feelings for and each and every woman you have dumped for one reason or another and the pattern is clear: You my friend, just like me, are addicted to love. 

Remember that insecure teenage boy who used to be rejected? 

You need to let that boy go. 

And with him, his adolescent desire for approval and acceptance. You are not him anymore. You have grown past him. You have reached what you still hope to prove. And you don’t need a woman or love to validate that.

As I stood in the waiting line, I have watched your struggles in this crazy world of dating. I have hurt with you, trust me. With every break up, I have felt your pain. With every rejection I felt my ego crush alongside yours. When X wouldn’t kiss you, I felt the sting. When 21 year old Y wasn’t ready to be committed to 37 year old you, I felt the sting. When every single girl you dated somehow didn’t turn out to be what you expected, I felt the disappointment with you. Sometimes from far, sometimes from very close, playing with your hair while you slept.

I didn’t want it to be like that. Every time you decided we need it to “call it quits” because you had met someone else, I rooted for it to work. The selfish part of me that wanted you all for myself, that wanted you to wake up one day and see in me what you are looking for, was never as strong as the part of me that wanted to see you happy.

So with every good bye, I sent you off to them with the hopes that they would put a smile in your face, even though deep inside I knew they wouldn’t.

I don’t know why it doesn’t hurt to let you go. Ive asked myself this question many times. The few times I have experienced love in my life, it has always been possessive, turbulent and selfish. The thought of the man I loved with someone else would crush me and send me into a spiral of self destruction. But with you is different. With every goodbye and with every new woman, I feel peace. I feel hope that at least one of us would finally find the love and family we are both so desperately looking for.

Maybe I am not that into you. Or maybe, for the first time in my life, I am experiencing real love. The selfless type of love that the bible and romantic authors write about. The type of love that makes us put the happiness of the one we love above our own. I don’t know. But I do know that I am always rooting for your happiness, even if its not with me.

This is why I always come back around. This is why I never truly let you go. This is why I still hold on. 

You my friend, deserve the best. And I hope one day you can see what I see.

Until then, may every love be real and heartbreaks be few.

 
Love,

Your friend.

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Author: Brisa Pinho

Brazilian. Piscean. Project manager. Raising a boy in a man's world... without a man.

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