Single Mom Out Loud

The joys (and desperation) of raising a boy without a man

On Mother’s Day, A Message to Weak Women Who Date Absent Fathers

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Recently I found myself in the most nerve wrecking situation any mother could find herself: fighting to legally keep her child. It’s the reason why I am so behind in blogging about the rest of my south east Asia trip. I promise those posts are coming soon though. 

As most of my followers and readers know, my son’s biological father is not involved in any way in in his life. Last time he saw or called my son, he was only 7 months old, exactly 3 years ago. I say MY son because I believe being a dad is not an entitlement, it’s an earned privilege.  I also have never said his name before because I don’t believe in slandering others, even those who are constantly trying to harm us. So may his identity be forever kept secret. 

Anyway, My son’s father, the one who shall never be named, is also not on his birth certificate, my son doesn’t have his last name and he rarely makes full child support payments. He has never tried to visit him, call him or get his name on his birth certificate. He has been completely absent for three years. Some would call him a deadbeat dad, I just choose to call him absent. What can I say, I am a classy bitch. 

Fast forward to April 10th, when I found out that this same guy who has REFUSED to speak to us in three years, had filed for a restraining order against me in my son’s name; meaning that if granted by the judge I would not only lose custody but I would also not be allowed within 100 yards of my child. 

He filed this based on an altercation we had back in 2011 and a very chaotic and volatile relationship that followed. In order to file in my son’s name, he falsely claimed I abuse my child, that I could potentially kidnap him back to his home country of Brasil (that’s where my son and I were born) and that I am a danger to him. Thankfully he did not win. All false allegations were rejected by the court and I kept my child. 

But here is the plot twist: all these allegations came FIVE days after I notified him that I had filed for unpaid child support. 

That’s right. For three years he never worried that I was abusing my son and that my son was in danger. It only occurred to him this possibility after I decided to go after my son’s money. Some would call him a dick for retaliating against something that is my son’s right. Others would call him a very neglectful parent for allowing “his” child to live with such an abusive mother for so long without even a single call to check if he was still alive. I rather keep my opinion of him to myself. 

Because this post is not about him. 

This post is about her. 

The “woman” who stood across from me in the court hallway for over 8 hours waiting to testify against me even though she never met my child, or for that matter, me. And I say woman in quotations because I am pretty sure Susan B. Anthony and Simone de Beauvoir would be rolling in their graves if they knew that “women” like these still exist. 

I wish I could scream her name for the whole world to hear, but I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of being known. 

We all know one or two of these “women”. They are extremely submissive. They are very motherly to their man. They speak softly, they keep their head down (like this specific one did the whole time in court), they don’t question anything they do and they are just happy being their man’s shadow and arm candy, both at work and in every other aspect of their lives. They are like German shepherd dogs, blindly loyal to their owners and what I call true weak bitches. And they will do whatever they need to do to please their man, even if it means creating fear, chaos, harming toddlers, mothers, friends and families they don’t even know. 

As a feminist, I believe every woman has the right to choose what kind of space they want to take in this world. You have the right to choose to be a stay home mom, or you can choose to pursue a career. You can choose to be an activist and fight for a better world for other women, or you can spend hours in front of the mirror applying makeup and getting your hair done. 

I believe in choice. 

What I don’t believe in is the right to hurt, harm and cause destruction on another’s life simply because you are too weak to say no. 

On this Mother’s Day I want to congratulate every single mother on this planet that has to deal with this type of “woman” in their lives. Maybe she is your ex’s current girlfriend, or maybe even his wife. They don’t know the struggle you go through every single day to raise your child ALONE but they sure know how to judge you and even hurt you.  They never had to wake up in the middle of the night to feed your child. They never stayed up all night bringing his or her fever down. They never bought them a gift. They never bothered to meet them. They know NOTHING about your child or what it is to be a mother.  But somehow they think they are entitled to judge your parenting and disrupt your entire life, simply because their man asked them to. 

If you, a mom, have dealt or are dealing with these creatures, I am sorry. From the bottom of my heart I am sorry. Know in your heart that it’s not your fault. You are not a bad mom because some stranger thinks so. It’s not your fault your child is fatherless. You are not broken or less than her simply because she has him (not that we want them anyway). And you should never EVER feel any fear of losing your child to these “women”. That is not a fear any single mother should EVER feel. And most importantly: know that THEY WILL NEVER BE YOUR CHILD’S MOM even if one day you have the misfortune of being forced by a judge to allow this creature near your child. Your motherhood is something they will never take from you, no matter how hard they try. 

I wish I could say that I wish upon these “women”, the same pain they inflict in others if they ever become mothers themselves. But I can’t. Because the fear of losing a child is not something I wish upon anybody. Not even the lowest and ugliest human beings. 

She will never understand the pain she put me through. She will never feel the anxiety and knot in my stomach every time I thought about the possibility of losing my son. She wasn’t there to hold me up when I was having a panic attack. She didn’t see me sleeping at friends’ houses the whole week before trial because the sight of my son’s bedroom and toys would trigger an emotional meltdown. She wasn’t there to see how much I cried, how little I ate, how much I spent and the hell she put me through. She didn’t see any of it. She didn’t think of it. She didn’t care about it. All she did was what she was trained to do: follow around and obey her owner regardless of anything, like a well trained dog. 

To these women I wish strength, a louder voice and the courage to claim their space in both their relationship and in this world, which every day tries to confine us into societal cages. But above all, to these women I wish compassion and a sense of sisterhood towards other women. This is something their weak and submissive personality seriously lack. 

I even thought about writing this “woman”, that sat across from me with the intent of taking away the most valuable thing in my life, a very angry email after the pain she inflicted in me. But I thought it would be more generous of me to just give her a whole page on my blog instead, since I also learned in court that she loves printing and collecting my writing. 

So this one is for her. This one is for her collection. May one day she become a more empathetic and stronger human being. 


Special note: Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there ESPECIALLY the single, hard working moms like myself pulling double duty every day because some guy out there thinks he is too cool to do his share. May our days be filled with peace and may those who think they can fuck with our cubs think twice. 

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Author: Brisa Pinho

Brazilian. Piscean. Project manager. Raising a boy in a man's world... without a man.

One thought on “On Mother’s Day, A Message to Weak Women Who Date Absent Fathers

  1. Yes! Thank you for this post! While my experiences have not been exactly the same, I have dealt with this type of creature often. I have been a single mom to MY son since he was 3 months old, he is now 3 years old. Every time his father gets a new girlfriend I either get served or get treated like shit. I don’t always blame the women, some of them know nothing other than what my ex tells them and so that is the information they give advice on. But, some of these women are aware of who he really is, what kind of “father” he really is. Those are the ones that really make me grind my teeth!
    Again, thank you for your post!

    Like

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