Today he played with his new toy. A police car. He loves police cars. And fire trucks. But you don’t know that. There are a million things about him you don’t know. You choose not to know.
Today he asked me to call you. I did. Twice. Only to hear you send our call to voicemail and to hear my voice telling him that you are probably busy.
I wish I could say you are a bad father. But I can’t. I don’t know that. I don’t know if you are a bad father. Or a good father. You simply never even tried to be one. It’s like you are afraid of failing so therefore you don’t even try.
But I think that’s me just trying to humanize you. That’s me trying to excuse your shitty behavior towards our son. Reality is, you just don’t want the trouble, the work and the responsibility of raising your child. You never did. With all 5.
And that makes me angry.
I am angry.
But apparently I am not allowed to be. Because to be angry means to be crazy. And we all know I’ve already used all the craziness allowed.
So for the last two and a half years that you haven’t called or texted, I have pretended that your despicable actions are okay. That they don’t affect me or our child. I have to be the bigger person. Anything less than that makes me look bitter. And we all know society doesn’t like bitter women.
But it I am tired.
I am tired of lying to him every time he asks about you. I am tired of telling him you are out there saving the world with spider man. I am tired of making excuses to save your selfish ass. Because by protecting his feelings I am allowing you to control mine.
While you live your life pretending he doesn’t exist, I live ours protecting your image to him and it’s holding me hostage.
I am done being a hostage.
If the world wants to think I am crazy for speaking up then so be it. If the world wants to think I am trashing my son’s father to him by simply refusing to lie any longer then so be it. If the world thinks I am bitter for simply stating things as is then so be it.
You can run but your can’t hide. You can pretend he is not your son but one day you will have to answer to him. You can live your life pretending if you are not a dad of 5 but every night your failures will haunt you.
In the meantime he is healthy, he is happy and he is thriving.
Today is his birthday. Another year of accomplishments.
And you get zero credit for it.