Single Mom Out Loud

The joys (and desperation) of raising a boy without a man

Things No One Told me

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Mother’s Day: An open letter to my 2 year old son

Dear Son,

You are loved. You are worthy.

If there are only two things I want you to always remember, these are it. As I type this letter you are sitting in your room playing with your little wood car. That’s your favorite car. And ironically it is the only toy your father ever bought you. He bought it in your birth town in Brazil, two weeks before you were born. We left the beach and he saw it in a little local store. He picked it up for you because it was handmade. During that moment I actually thought the three of us were going to be a family. Unfortunately things did not happen the way I dreamed it would, and this week, while watching Calliou calling his father, you asked where your own father was for the first time. I don’t think you understood what your question meant, but I did, so it broke my heart anyways. I didn’t know what to say, I don’t know if I ever will, so I just ignored your innocent question and pointed out the birds.

I don’t know if your father will ever come back into your life. This is not in my control. But I do know that his absence has nothing to do with you or your worth as a person.

Forgive him. You are still loved. You are still worthy.

You may never come to understand why he walked out on you. I may never understand it either. But at least try to understand that it wasn’t your fault. As you grow older you will learn that healthy and strong people don’t abandon multiple children. That’s behavior of someone who is weak and afraid.

Forgive him. You are still loved. You are still worthy.

But it’s not all his fault. I shouldn’t have tried to constantly control him and I should have controlled myself instead. I should have acted better.

Forgive me. You are still loved. You are still worthy.

There are times the guilt of not being able to give you a traditional family consumes me and I get very depressed. There are times I can’t handle all the pressure and responsibilities and I get upset when you make the smallest mistake.

Forgive me. You are still loved. You are still worthy.

There are times, like now, that I am terrified you will become him. Or even worse, that you will become me. But then you smile, reminding me you are neither. You are you; An improved version of him and Me. A perfect combination of us both.

Forgive us. You are still loved. You are still worthy.

A lot of times I push you too much and I expect too much. I am afraid if I don’t you will never know how great you are and you will never reach your fullest potential. For this I don’t ask for forgiveness. I ask for understanding.

Understand me. You are still loved. You are still worthy.

I hope your life is filled with love, joy and laughter. Life is a gift, please don’t take it for granted. But life is not perfect, so be prepared for many challenges and many fears. Many mistakes, disappointments and tears.

And while you are riding the roller coaster of life, when you are down, and when you are high up, two things you always need to know for sure:

You are loved. You are worthy.

-Your Mother

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Moving Past Your Past

Friday I got a call from an ex I haven’t seen in years. Someone I was I love with for a long time. He was in town and wanted to see me. I was hesitant at first but I followed my intuition and decided to accept his invitation.

It was weird. It was uncomfortable. It challenged everything I thought I knew at this point. It forced me to look inside.

Throughout the dinner he repeatedly told me I looked differenty and Talked differently. But I couldn’t really understand what he meant. It wasn’t until I got back home that it got me thinking.

When changes happen in our lives we can’t really see it. It’s not sudden.  Changes happen slowly and almost unnoticeably. As we get caught up in life’s responsibilities and tasks we might forget to notice how substantially our lives are changing.  It wasn’t until Mr. Ex mentioned how much I had changed that I started to notice it.

When I got back home I went to look back at old pictures of us and I didn’t even recognize myself. No lines in my face. A lighter smile of someone who didn’t have all the responsibilities of parenthood but a sad smile of someone who was lost and didn’t know who she was.

I was so miserable and I didn’t even know. I was trapped inside my own body with a bright mind I didn’t know how to use.

I was angry at everything and everyone.

I was a rebel without a cause.

A fighter without a reason.
I wanted to change the world but didn’t even know how to change myself.

I wanted to control everyone and everything just so I could feel safer but reality is I couldn’t even control myself.

As months turned into years. As parenthood arrived and along with it so did single motherhood, I learned that I have learned. I have grown. I have evolved. I have become someone I wouldn’t have recognized 5 years ago.

As cliche as it may sound, some lessons can not be taught. They must be learned through experience.

Maturity can’t be forced or rushed. And it has absolutely nothing to do with age.

Going out with my ex made me realize how  much I have been underestimating  myself.

People change. I’ve changed. Life teaches us to change. With each passing year we learn something new. The irony of life is that as older and wise we get the less likely we are to share those lessons.

So here I am sharing with those who are lost the knowledge that one day everything will in fact be okay.

With times things will fall into place even though there will always be people who want to keep you chained to your past and your mistakes.

I am a mother, a writer, a project manager, an entrepreneur, and a future law student but yet there are people who still hold me to my 24 year old crazy self. To them I will always be the crazy girl.

Break yourself free. You don’t live in your past anymore.

Forgive yourself even if others don’t forgive you. This is what struggle and adulthood has taught me.

You will know you’ve reached personal peace when things start to become so simple it’s scary. We then start to let of some needs, we reduce our baggage.

We begin to understand that people ‘s opinions are exactly just that; theirs. And even if it’s about you it’s irrelevant.

We start to give up our certainties because are really not sure of anything anymore. We stop judging because there is no longer a right or wrong, just the life each person chose to experience. We just understand that what really matters is peace of mind, is living without fear and doing things that makes us happy at each specific moment, even if we don’t get it right.

And that’s all.