I have a girl friend from San Francisco. She is a lot like me. Free spirited, unpredictable, impulsive, caring and a lover. We talk quite a lot about how the world doesn’t like women like us. We both know the problem: passionate, free thinking women are very difficult to manipulate and almost impossible to control. We simply don’t fit in.
This post is not only for me, but its for her and for all the passionate women who have a hard time adjusting to a world meant for quiet ladies.
So let me backtrack….
About a week ago I was at a bar when a friend of a friend, who I never met before, approached me and said that he “had heard of me” and that I am trouble. Those words have been on the back of my mind since. This was not the first time I have heard a man say I am trouble but this was the first time I actually stopped to think about it. Maybe it was because it came from a friend of someone I actually care about, and I assume he heard I am trouble from him.
I pondered upon that comment for days, over analyzing every word in every context, trying to understand what exactly did he mean by them. Were they just some friendly words complimenting me on my outgoing personality? Or was it a criticism of it, formed by information provided by my friend?
That’s when it dawned upon me that his words had nothing to do with me really and that I shouldnt take his words as a criticism but as a HUGE compliment. Especially coming from a man. His comment was simply a reflection of his standards (or/and my friend’s standards) of what a “good non trouble woman” is supposed to be.
But I am not that woman.
I will never be the soft spoken girl with flowery dresses and no opinion.
I will never be the girl with passive personality, who can wear white and not spill on it.
I will never be the girl who sits quietly in the back of the room and who is happy being the shadow of someone else.
I don’t don’t need permission when I act and I give out explanations because I want to, not because I owe them.
I will never choose a salad and a water over a steak and a scotch.
I will never be the girl who will settle for calm and quiet rather than passion and excitement.
I don’t want a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, boring Christmas cards and well groomed perfect children. I am perfectly content with my apartment in the city and being the single mother of a very wild child.
I will take single motherhood over an unhappy and submissive relationship any day.
I like long trips to exquisite destinations.
I like mind blowing sex and I am not afraid to ask for it.
I like deep intellectual conversations that heat up into a war of opinions. That’s my foreplay.
I am not looking for a rich man to support me. Stocks and luxury cars are for people who get boners from money.
And I would rather eat alone, than sit with women who bore me at “Wives’ Night.”
I am a lover.
I am wanderer.
I am questioner.
I am a feminist. An LGBT supporter. A political enthusiast.
I am an outspoken, LOUD, free thinking, free spirited and free acting woman. I mean what I say and I do what I want. ALWAYS. And I am not looking for approval or validation.
And I get it that the world has little space for such women and that most guys lack the desire for such a relationship. But I am not here to please the world and I am not looking for most guys. I am here to pave the way and leave my footprints on the sands of time (yes, I just quoted Beyonce). And I am looking for a MAN who is not afraid of the challenge and who is excited to ride my troubled train and all the fun that the ride entitles.
Because in the end, I will never be a “good woman” by societal standards. I wasn’t born to be tamed or to fit into standard molds of womanhood. I was born to act according to my own set of rules.
And if that’s trouble, then I guess I am trouble as hell.